Death at a Funeral

The time is finally here...  The time that had been looming for about a year since my Grandma had her brain surgery.  Her time is finally here and she has passed on to be with my Grandpa.  I miss my feisty Grandma and her har gows and soups that she used to make, but I am happy at the same time because I know my Grandma was suffering and she had not really lived for about a year prior to her passing on. My Grandma died in her sleep peacefully after months of dialysis.  She is definitely in a better place.

I don’t really know how I am supposed to feel because my Grandma is the first person in my life who I consider being close with to pass on.  When my maternal Grandpa died, I was only 6 years old and really didn’t know him that well.  When my paternal Grandpa died, I was I think 12 years old or so, but my Grandpa has a lot of kids and grandkids that I really didn’t know him. 

I am not one to solicit comments from others. In fact, I feel weird hearing people say things like “I’m sorry for your loss” or “my condolences” because I honestly don’t think the words mean anything nor do I think the person saying it or typing it on Facebook really means anything with it.   Also, saying it to me doesn’t mean or do anything for myself either.  I don’t feel “sad” or the need to wallow in my Grandma’s death.  Life goes on and we have to continue living our lives while keeping the dead in our memory.

So, before I move on to the next part of my blog here – I assure you, I’m fine and no need to tell me that you’re sorry.

The dreaded funeral.  I knew this day was going to come at some point and I have been dreading it for a long time.  Not only because it means that my grandma has passed on (like I said, she hadn’t been “her” for quite some time), but because I will have to for the last time in my life (I hope) to ever have to see my parents again. 

The funeral is now set for November 5, which means I have three weeks to prepare myself.  And had Miller not mentioned it to me, what the heck am I going to say to them if they try to talk to me?! I had not thought about that.  I just figured I’d sit as far as humanly possible from them. 

I truly hate myself for allowing my parents to become the center of my issue rather than focusing on my grandma’s death.  However, my parents caused a lot of grief, not just with me, but with the rest of the family during my grandma’s last year of life. 


It is at times like these that family members will gather and it is also times like these that stirs up any underlying family issues.  With my particular family - it is any and all drama that involves my parents.  

I am going to try to just ignore them and I’ve decided if they talk to me, I’ll simply tell them to leave me alone and I have no desire to talk to them or reconcile with them. 

-Emma

Accidents

I guess I am still stuck on the children topic.  I blame it on Grey's Anatomy's nonstop baby talk.  There is Cristina Yang who would loathe her life if she had children, yet got pregnant by accident. There is Meredith Grey who is infertile and finally adopted a kid with Derek Shepard, but just as they were granted custody, trouble arises at work and between them and their kid ends up being taken back by child services.

I'm stuck between Cristina and Meredith.  I have always been a very driven person, I mean as far as I remember, I have always been ambitious (at least I think I am).  However, I am not at the level Cristina is...she wants to be the world's #1 surgeon and kick ass, etc etc.  I just want to be successful, live well, have lots of money, etc etc. On the same token, I love being a mom and I am one of those typical girls who dreamed about being a mom and have come up with names for my future kid.

Our lives are great.  I get my kid-fix with Miller Jr. and when he leaves, I equally love our kid-free life.  Miller Jr. has a special spot in my heart, but I am not ashamed to admit that I love life without kids as well.  I loathe people, namely women, who allow their child to define their lives.  I absolutely think they are pathetic and will live an absolutely miserable life when their kids grow up.  People who proclaim "love thy family" or "family is the most important" -- they just make me feel sick.  Sure, I have had crappy family relationships with my own parents, maybe you'll say I'm jaded, but I do think people who live and die by their family are pathetic.  Have self-esteem in yourself and don't let your family define you.  Define yourself and CHOOSE to have your family in your life.

I have an absolutely wonderful family - my husband and my son Miller Jr.  I adore my family, so I do love my family but they don't "define" me.  I choose to have them in my life.

Moreover, I also know that people hate their lives with kids in them.  They will never admit it because it sounds so terrible, but I'm honest with myself.  I know I'll feel resentment towards a child if I have to sacrifice myself.  And to people who say that the sacrifice is worth it, well those people ought to re-evaluate their lives because one should not sacrifice one's wants and needs to make another happy [please read Atlas Shrugged for full explanation].

I want to have a kid and not feel that I am sacrificing anything. I do understand that having a kid necessarily means I would have to give up certain things about my life.  However here's the difference, let me see if I can illustrate them for ya.

• I want to want to buy my kids things and do things for my kids.  I don't want to want to buy my kids things because that's what I am supposed to do and feel bad not buying them things.  
• I want to want to not buy myself X so that I can buy my kid Y.  I don't want to want to buy myself X but can't because I want to by my kid Y.  

Of course, it's not all about buying your kids things, but it's an easy straightforward example.  Truth be told, this can be easily applied to doing day-to-day things.  For example:

• I want to want to not go to Michael Mina's for the lobster pot pie because I want to participate in my kid's cub scout.  I don't want to want to participate in my kid's cub scout and regret that I could have gone to Michael Mina's because society says that's just the "sacrifice" I shall make.  That's a load of crap.  

With that said, I want a kid.  I really do, I think.  I never ever ever ever want to at any moment to ever resent my kid and that's why I put THIS much thought into it.  I do not want to resent him/her ever or for anything.  I almost wish I would have just had a kid by accident, just like many people.  I feel that I put way too much thought in it and hey, people say that all the time.  Having a kid is the biggest decision that people don't think about.  I swear.  People just willy nilly dispense advise saying "oh, you'll figure it out! just have one!".  Really?  Really? that's what people think? You're going to have a HUMAN LIFE to take care of and the plan is just to "figure it out"?!

I almost envy people who just get pregnant by accident.  They don't think.  It happens. They do whatever they're supposed to do and it's completely normal.  People fault people like me who are seemingly too selfish about my own happiness to not have a kid.  People who just pop a kid out are the greatest people ever. I just get so tired of hearing about people who had a kid unplanned or had a kid without really thinking about the ramifications and then realizing how hard it is to have a kid.  You know who I am talking about.  That promiscuous 18-year-old who  gets knocked up by her boyfriend, ends up a single mom, then have to work super hard doing whatever jobs that comes across to support her kid.  Don't get me wrong, that's commendable in the sense that she f-ed up and now she's taking responsibility.  It just irks me that that girl also all of a sudden becomes a hero and the world's greatest mom.  Contrasted with someone like me, plan and plan and plan to make sure that when my kid is here, I'm not living a crappy life just to make ends meet.  People who have kids with the notion that they'll "figure it out" is just ASS BACKWARDS.

I do understand you can't plan everything in life and I hate super planners because they have no flexibility when adverse situations arise and they have zero capabilities of handling it.  However, once you have a kid, you have a kid forever.  It's not like you got fired and you can learn from your mistake and never do whatever it is that you did again in your next job.  Once you have a kid (for most people), there is no going back.

Damn Grey's Anatomy and all of their baby talk!

Till next time!
-Emma

"Life as we know it"

I debated whether to put this blog on my TV/Movie blog or not...but ultimately, I decided to put it here because it goes along with my previous blog about babies.

In a nut shell, Heigl and Duhamel "inherits" a baby because they were placed as guardians by their best friends in the event of their death. The movie truly illustrated how hard it is to have a baby. I'm not talking just taking care of a baby, I'm talking about the "big picture" of how hard it is to have a CHILD.

The movie showed the funny scenes of how disgusting it is to change a diaper, the baby crying at night, feeding them, etc. However, the movie showed the core of what parents have to give up in order to provide for the child.

Heigl's character have worked hard in her small bistro/bakery and finally was financially able to expand it into a restaurant and was in the process of expanding. Duhamel's character, while a "player", have worked hard in his TV career and finally got an opportunity to take the lead for a game. Duhamel had to deal with unable to fit a sitter for the baby and blew his opportunity to shine. Heigl had to give up expanding her restaurant because she was unable to afford it due to additional cost with the child.

Then it goes on and shows the way a child absolutely changes your life, whether it's better or worse. Duhamel did not have a child ever in his plan and neither did Heigl and they were absolutely miserable albeit, they loved the baby.

Duhamel is given a second opportunity in his career, but required him to move from Atlanta to Phoenix. In the end, he GIVES UP his career in Phoenix and stays in Atlanta with the baby and Heigl and lives the "family" life with all the nosy neighbors. I must ask, is his character TRULY happy? Is Heigl's character TRULY happy? The kid caused them to GIVE UP their wants and career. Fast forward 18 years, these two are resentful that they never pursued what they wanted to in life.

-Emma

To Have or Not To Have A Baby

Babies - is it acceptable to not have them? Now that I'm 26 and married, between my biological clock "ticking" and everyone around me having babies, it has become harder and harder to explain why there are no immediate plans between Miller and me to have babies.

First off, we have Miller Jr who is a wonderful child and I love him like he is my own. I have been in his life as long as he can remember and we have a great relationship. He was 6 months old when I met him, so as far as he knows, I've been in there all his life. I will admit, and I don't care what type of reticule I get, that as much as I love Miller Jr., it is very nice to get a break from him. He lives two states away from us, so when we get him, we have him for long periods of time. We get the experience of having to put him in day care, taking care of him day in and day out, having the frustration of him not listening, etc etc. I get the "fix" of having a child when he's with us and we get our "normal" life when he's home. With that said, I think we really do have it good. I get to have the best of both worlds.

I have always thought I wanted a child. I wanted one because Miller has one who is not biologically mine, that's been a reason for a long time. I also wanted one because "society" said so. As a girl, we grow up dreaming about our wedding day and being a mommy. Heck, I started to figure out a name for my kid since I was a little kid. However, want we dream of as a kid don't generally play out as we become adults. As I am closer to becoming an attorney and working hard to get the work experience I need and seeing all the things I still want to do, I realize, I wanted to have kids for all the wrong reasons.

I don't really find babies all that cute. I find Miller Jr. cute as heck, but I don't find most other kids all that cute. I am mean, I judge how other babies look and I think most of them are ugly and annoying. I cannot stand a kid screaming in the middle of a grocery aisle and I don't find it cute when kids do stupid things.

Miller and I have a great life. Yes, we're in a lot of debt, but we enjoy our lives. We love being able to stay home and just have the peace and quiet and relax. I am able to study and focus on law school. So what would be the reason to have a kid other than to have a kid for the sake of having a kid? I don't particularly think I'll enjoy pregnancy or enjoy the baby when he/she is first born. From the point of 6 months and on, I've experienced it with Miller Jr. It wasn't so cute when he pooped in his underwear when he was potty training...and it's not so cute when he still wets his bed once in a while now.

I have always been career-minded and wanted to make a lot of money. Call me shallow and I'll proudly admit it. I love money. I believe money buys happiness to a certain extent. Kids don't buy happiness. They buy moments of happiness. So, if I'm career-minded and that's what will make me happy...why would I do anything to impede that? I know better, I'm replaceable at work, most people are. If I don't want to be replaced, I need to anchor myself at my job. A child will no doubt get in the way. I'm a female, which means I necessarily have to look like like a hippo for about 9 months then take 2 months off from work, then feel guilty that I can't spend my time nurturing the kid in the first few years of its life.

Another thing that I have always wanted to do is travel, and travel A LOT. Guess what? That cost a lot of money and time. Yes, sure, I can still travel with a child, but it's not the same. I have this conversation with co-workers who have multiple kids all the time and I always get the same response - "oh you'll figure it out! people have kids and work all the time and they manage". Well guess what? I don't wanna just "figure it out" or "manage". I want to do it the right way and I want to it comfortably.

Right about now, I know you're calling me selfish and selfish I am. I see no problem in being selfish. I need to make myself happy before I can try to make someone else happy. Honestly, I don't understand how I'm selfish. Am I selfish because I'm not fulfilling society's expectations of me to have kids? Why is the society allowed to dictate that anyway?

I truly believe most parents regret their kids. Not that they don't love them, but they do regret their kids. I finally got Miller to admit that while he loves loves loves loves loves Miller Jr. and will do anything and everything for him and will never ever change the fact that he had Miller Jr., Miller Jr. has changed his life.

Society's norm is for people to have kids and it is "unnatural" for people to not have kids. Most people look at me and Miller and cannot fathom why we don't. I can give them my laundry list of fake excuses such as debt, time, school, work, etc but they'll just give me the lame rebuttal that people have kids who are worse off than me.

Ultimately, I think personally, I want kids. I do. I really do. I have a maternal thing about me cuz when I met Miller Jr., I knew exactly what to do even though I haven't been around kids a lot. However, I think I'll truly be able to 100% be on board when I'm older and be able to do all the things I want to do first.

-Emma

Longing for a Connection

Recent events have led me to realize certain things in my life. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I think “they” are right.

My grandma is in her late 80s and her heath is deteriorating. She recently had a bad fall that caused a blood clot in the left side of her brain. Our family had two options – either let the blood clot worsen and she will die shortly or risk a brain surgery to drain the blood clot. My grandma went through the surgery and she recovered very well, but her health is not doing any better overall. I'm sure grandpa is watching over her right now.

Anyway, my grandma’s health situation has become the new topic of drama revolving my mother and the rest of the family. She’s kicked it up a notch and has ignited the anger in my sister towards the family. My sister cussed out the whole family about not “loving” grandma as much as they do and my sister has finally done it to me as well on Facebook. After cussing me out on Facebook, she defriended me. I’m happy that she did because I did not have the heart to do it to my sister. I knew she was playing the role of my mother’s puppet, but I still care for her. So, I’m glad that she made it her choice to cut me out.

Anyway, back to my recent epiphanies…I’m looking back at my whole life and my relationship with my mother. I always thought that I had a close relationship with her, but apparently, that was never true. I always “longed” for a close relationship with her but we never actually connected. My mother has made sure she connected with my sister (thus the whole puppeteer/puppet thing).
As a child growing up, all I can remember is how much I wished my parents were home because I was excited to show them whatever it was I made or did (ex. School work, artwork, cards I made, etc). But it seemed no matter how hard I tried, no matter what kind of grades I had, she really did not care. As I got older, it became apparent to me that I cannot share my problems with my mother. It wasn’t apparent to me that my mother is Satan, but I knew I couldn’t tell her things. This probably started at around age 14 or 15.

When I left to college, I had a lot of problems adjusting to college life…not to mention, I went to college at age 16. My mother still never connected with me on all the issues I had…even after I ODed at age 17. My parents swept that under the rug and never tried to talk to me or anything.
When I met Miller, my parents really did not like him. I thought it was all because of “legitimate” reasons such as: he has a kid, we’re too young, he’s white, etc. Hell, I wish my parents truly didn’t like Miller because he was white….then at least it’s because my parents are traditional. But no, those are not the reasons they did not him – they didn’t like him because I started to remove myself from them physically and emotionally.

As an adult and breaking away from my parents, it grew harder to keep a relationship with them. It became exhausting. After years, I finally had the guts to tell my mom "I don't care about your problems, you're an adult, deal with it!" and I know that's where the relationship went down hill at light speed.

I have been visiting with my relatives a lot recently because of my grandma's health and...possible imminent farewell. They have had many issues with my mom in the last year or so, but keep telling me I should make up my own mind. All I can tell them was "I made up my own mind long before you guys did".

My dad has made a sudden transgender change, hell I might as well be straightforward about it. No, I'm NOT okay with it. Call me homophobic, unaccepting, intolerant, non-politically correct, whatever, I do NOT care. This is my "dad" we are talking about and I am entitled to feel however I want to feel. My dad has died, the horrible, terrible, piece of scum he was as a dad, has died in my mind. Whatever he is now, is a different person to me and I do NOT want to know him, meet him, seem him, talk to him, nothing. I wanted a connection with him all my life too, but never got it because of his shitty personality. As far as I am concerned, my dad is dead. He's dead dead dead.

Anyway, I think this is rather heavy. I believe my life has been dramatically better without my parents. I'm not taking the "family's" side as I have made this decision on my own. Miller had NO influence, my relatives had NO influence, what went on with my grandma had NO influence. This is me and me alone making a decision that they are toxic and I'm a better person without them.

-Emma

Keeping It Real - Cutting Out Life's Luxuries

Hi All!

Recently, Miller and I have have made the big decision to start cutting out things that we have regarding as "necessities". We are short money every month and our credit cards are maxed out. Something has to give. Well, we're doing it. It really sounds crazy to myself, but I'm really starting to understand what "cutting back" truly means.

Cutting back doesn't only mean - no more going out to eat at the fancy restaurant, or no more shopping every month (just every other month), or no more going to the movies. Cutting back literally means cutting back what we have long taken for granted as necessities.

First off - carpooling! Miller and I only work about 5 miles from our home and we literally work 2 minutes away from one another. But, he gets off from work 1/2 hour after me and we found it just "not convenient" to car pool. So, instead, he drives his big ass pick-up truck to work everyday and I drive my little car to work everyday. Well recently, we were broke (surprise!) and I told Miller "uh you're NOT going to put $80 worth of gas in your truck until we get paid or something!" We started carpooling that week...and realize...WHY have we not been doing this?! We figured in his big ass pick-up truck, just to drive 5 miles to and from work (10 miles each day) will probably cost AT LEAST a tank of gas each month, if not more! A tank of gas in his truck cost anywhere from $70 to $80 depending on price of gas. So, #1 luxury gone - I stay 1/2 hour behind at work and we use our little car to drive to/from work. It's amazing how we took this luxury for granted. It's like "HELL NO! I'm driving my own car =P"...little did we realize how frivolous that was given how close our work is!

Second, perhaps most painful for me - TV (cable)! I know, this is a no-brainer "luxury" item. However, I watch A LOT of TV. We were paying about $150 a month for TV and internet together and for the longest time, I protested getting rid of cable. I mean WHAT kind of people live without cable?!! That's when I realize how it was another "luxury" that I mistakenly considered as a "necessity". Now that we got rid of TV, our bill is down to about $40 per month just of the internet. Internet will give us plenty of entertainment to keep us home and not going out and spending money. Not to mention, I go to school online...so I actually do need it =)

So far, that's at least $200 per month, if not more that we have saved. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it's a start. I can't cut out the credit card payments or car payments (we are upside down on our cars). We want to keep out good credit and not ruin it...so we are working on cutting on what we can. I'm really proud of us to be honest because just a year ago, I would have never thought we'd be able to live with just one car and no cable!

Till next time!

-Emma

Life and the damn Monkey Wrench!

Hi there! It has been a long time since I've blogged. Well, life as usual has been tough, but the silver lining finally came and Miller got a kick ass new job about 2 weeks ago. He loves the people he works with, he loves the company, he loves the position and the money is great. The job is close to home, no more driving around and beating up our truck.

I knew life was going too smoothly for us. Everything was looking up and we were planning on getting out of debt finally. But, of course...life had to throw a monkey wrench at us. Miller had to go break his foot 60 days before he is about to get health insurance and 2 weeks after starting his new job.

Miller went riding his dirt bike on Saturday with his dad Calvin while I spent some quality time with his step mom (Betty). Betty and I went plant shopping for her new apartment and I bought some stuff to start a little herb garden (no, not the illegal type of herbs!). Betty and Miller's mom (Vicki) both got their Mother Day's flowers and we were having a great day. I bought some kickass shorts on sale and Betty and I were relaxing and I was introducing her to the Real Housewives on Bravo.

It was about 4pm-ish when I get a call from Miller..."hmmm you should probably head home...hmm I think I broke my foot". The scramble began...I sped home, went on Craigslist to call around for crutches then found that the Goodwill store by our house had a bunch. Betty and I went to Goodwill right away and got crutches for him. The only crutches that fit Miller were some nasty old ones, so Betty and I spent 10 minutes or so switching the nasty parts with the shorter crutches. We got back and see that Miller's right foot was swollen like crazy.

The freaking out then started to set in. OMG. What are we going to do? We have a lot of debt granted, HOWEVER we have perfect credit. We have worked our asses off to at least not have any delinquencies on our credit cards and all other loans. Miller did NOT have health insurance! Should we go to the hospital, get him treated and ditch the big ass bill? No, no, no. Miller and I refuse to abuse the system like that. We want to do it right and we also do not want to ruin what we've struggled to work for - our good standing credit.

We waited till Sunday and we headed to Urgent Care. You know, when you privately pay for your medical care, they really don't push you for unnecessary care. Anyhow, they did x-rays and found that he broke his bone in his 2nd, 3rd, and 4th toes were it meet the foot. Great. The doctor there said he'll probably need surgery. F*** was all that went through our heads. Miller knew he messed up big time and I was beyond upset. So we fought all weekend. I did and still do feel bad for giving him such a hard time because I knew he already knows that he F-ED up big time. He didn't need me to harp on him further on top of his broken foot.

So, we went to the County Clinic the next day some 20 miles away in the POURING insane Nor Cal freak rain in May. Guess what? We don't qualify for ANY sort of assistance, not even like an uninsured discount or some sort of payment plan. We're NOT by any means asking for free care. We don't need welfare. However, the County Clinic wanted to charge as much as a private doctor wanted and wanted the money up front. The evil little bitch at the clinic made it seem like it was our ONLY choice to be seen there...and now, I want to go back there and slap her and tell her she's an idiot.

Miller and I went home and tried to come up with a plan. Should we go to the hospital? What? What? What? I called an orthopedic office locally and they are willing to see him on a payment plan if he needed surgery. However, with surgeries, comes charges for a surgery facility and anesthesiologist. Both of those wanted money up front in full. The freak out continues. Thankfully, Miller's grandma has money and it definitely eased the anxiety to hear her say "don't worry, I'll take care of it". Mind you, we're not looking for grandma to pay for it. We're looking for a loan from her. If he needed surgery and we went to the hospital, it can cost $10k upwards. If we did it with the private surgeon, it will be between $6k to $8k and the surgeon gives discount to private pay patients.

With the renewed confidence from grandma, we made an appointment for an orthopedic consultation for Miller with a $150 deposit. We were there today and thank god the surgeon said Miller did not need surgery. Weird how again, doctors do NOT push for unnecessary care when we're private pay (I think this is how Capitalism works...honest people doing honest business). The doctor checked out his foot, said that the bones will heal itself and placed Miller in a boot to align the bones.

Miller can't walk for couple of weeks at least and even after that, he'll probably still be limping around for a few weeks. I don't know what to do with money. He doesn't get paid-time-off yet and he won't get shit from disability since he was pretty much making minimum wage before that.

I swear, life just HAD to throw us this monkey wrench just when everything was starting to look up! I wish I can throw the monkey wrench back at life!! I guess life is just full of surprises. FML. Hopefully things will get better and get better quick.

-Emma