Death at a Funeral

The time is finally here...  The time that had been looming for about a year since my Grandma had her brain surgery.  Her time is finally here and she has passed on to be with my Grandpa.  I miss my feisty Grandma and her har gows and soups that she used to make, but I am happy at the same time because I know my Grandma was suffering and she had not really lived for about a year prior to her passing on. My Grandma died in her sleep peacefully after months of dialysis.  She is definitely in a better place.

I don’t really know how I am supposed to feel because my Grandma is the first person in my life who I consider being close with to pass on.  When my maternal Grandpa died, I was only 6 years old and really didn’t know him that well.  When my paternal Grandpa died, I was I think 12 years old or so, but my Grandpa has a lot of kids and grandkids that I really didn’t know him. 

I am not one to solicit comments from others. In fact, I feel weird hearing people say things like “I’m sorry for your loss” or “my condolences” because I honestly don’t think the words mean anything nor do I think the person saying it or typing it on Facebook really means anything with it.   Also, saying it to me doesn’t mean or do anything for myself either.  I don’t feel “sad” or the need to wallow in my Grandma’s death.  Life goes on and we have to continue living our lives while keeping the dead in our memory.

So, before I move on to the next part of my blog here – I assure you, I’m fine and no need to tell me that you’re sorry.

The dreaded funeral.  I knew this day was going to come at some point and I have been dreading it for a long time.  Not only because it means that my grandma has passed on (like I said, she hadn’t been “her” for quite some time), but because I will have to for the last time in my life (I hope) to ever have to see my parents again. 

The funeral is now set for November 5, which means I have three weeks to prepare myself.  And had Miller not mentioned it to me, what the heck am I going to say to them if they try to talk to me?! I had not thought about that.  I just figured I’d sit as far as humanly possible from them. 

I truly hate myself for allowing my parents to become the center of my issue rather than focusing on my grandma’s death.  However, my parents caused a lot of grief, not just with me, but with the rest of the family during my grandma’s last year of life. 


It is at times like these that family members will gather and it is also times like these that stirs up any underlying family issues.  With my particular family - it is any and all drama that involves my parents.  

I am going to try to just ignore them and I’ve decided if they talk to me, I’ll simply tell them to leave me alone and I have no desire to talk to them or reconcile with them. 

-Emma

Accidents

I guess I am still stuck on the children topic.  I blame it on Grey's Anatomy's nonstop baby talk.  There is Cristina Yang who would loathe her life if she had children, yet got pregnant by accident. There is Meredith Grey who is infertile and finally adopted a kid with Derek Shepard, but just as they were granted custody, trouble arises at work and between them and their kid ends up being taken back by child services.

I'm stuck between Cristina and Meredith.  I have always been a very driven person, I mean as far as I remember, I have always been ambitious (at least I think I am).  However, I am not at the level Cristina is...she wants to be the world's #1 surgeon and kick ass, etc etc.  I just want to be successful, live well, have lots of money, etc etc. On the same token, I love being a mom and I am one of those typical girls who dreamed about being a mom and have come up with names for my future kid.

Our lives are great.  I get my kid-fix with Miller Jr. and when he leaves, I equally love our kid-free life.  Miller Jr. has a special spot in my heart, but I am not ashamed to admit that I love life without kids as well.  I loathe people, namely women, who allow their child to define their lives.  I absolutely think they are pathetic and will live an absolutely miserable life when their kids grow up.  People who proclaim "love thy family" or "family is the most important" -- they just make me feel sick.  Sure, I have had crappy family relationships with my own parents, maybe you'll say I'm jaded, but I do think people who live and die by their family are pathetic.  Have self-esteem in yourself and don't let your family define you.  Define yourself and CHOOSE to have your family in your life.

I have an absolutely wonderful family - my husband and my son Miller Jr.  I adore my family, so I do love my family but they don't "define" me.  I choose to have them in my life.

Moreover, I also know that people hate their lives with kids in them.  They will never admit it because it sounds so terrible, but I'm honest with myself.  I know I'll feel resentment towards a child if I have to sacrifice myself.  And to people who say that the sacrifice is worth it, well those people ought to re-evaluate their lives because one should not sacrifice one's wants and needs to make another happy [please read Atlas Shrugged for full explanation].

I want to have a kid and not feel that I am sacrificing anything. I do understand that having a kid necessarily means I would have to give up certain things about my life.  However here's the difference, let me see if I can illustrate them for ya.

• I want to want to buy my kids things and do things for my kids.  I don't want to want to buy my kids things because that's what I am supposed to do and feel bad not buying them things.  
• I want to want to not buy myself X so that I can buy my kid Y.  I don't want to want to buy myself X but can't because I want to by my kid Y.  

Of course, it's not all about buying your kids things, but it's an easy straightforward example.  Truth be told, this can be easily applied to doing day-to-day things.  For example:

• I want to want to not go to Michael Mina's for the lobster pot pie because I want to participate in my kid's cub scout.  I don't want to want to participate in my kid's cub scout and regret that I could have gone to Michael Mina's because society says that's just the "sacrifice" I shall make.  That's a load of crap.  

With that said, I want a kid.  I really do, I think.  I never ever ever ever want to at any moment to ever resent my kid and that's why I put THIS much thought into it.  I do not want to resent him/her ever or for anything.  I almost wish I would have just had a kid by accident, just like many people.  I feel that I put way too much thought in it and hey, people say that all the time.  Having a kid is the biggest decision that people don't think about.  I swear.  People just willy nilly dispense advise saying "oh, you'll figure it out! just have one!".  Really?  Really? that's what people think? You're going to have a HUMAN LIFE to take care of and the plan is just to "figure it out"?!

I almost envy people who just get pregnant by accident.  They don't think.  It happens. They do whatever they're supposed to do and it's completely normal.  People fault people like me who are seemingly too selfish about my own happiness to not have a kid.  People who just pop a kid out are the greatest people ever. I just get so tired of hearing about people who had a kid unplanned or had a kid without really thinking about the ramifications and then realizing how hard it is to have a kid.  You know who I am talking about.  That promiscuous 18-year-old who  gets knocked up by her boyfriend, ends up a single mom, then have to work super hard doing whatever jobs that comes across to support her kid.  Don't get me wrong, that's commendable in the sense that she f-ed up and now she's taking responsibility.  It just irks me that that girl also all of a sudden becomes a hero and the world's greatest mom.  Contrasted with someone like me, plan and plan and plan to make sure that when my kid is here, I'm not living a crappy life just to make ends meet.  People who have kids with the notion that they'll "figure it out" is just ASS BACKWARDS.

I do understand you can't plan everything in life and I hate super planners because they have no flexibility when adverse situations arise and they have zero capabilities of handling it.  However, once you have a kid, you have a kid forever.  It's not like you got fired and you can learn from your mistake and never do whatever it is that you did again in your next job.  Once you have a kid (for most people), there is no going back.

Damn Grey's Anatomy and all of their baby talk!

Till next time!
-Emma

"Life as we know it"

I debated whether to put this blog on my TV/Movie blog or not...but ultimately, I decided to put it here because it goes along with my previous blog about babies.

In a nut shell, Heigl and Duhamel "inherits" a baby because they were placed as guardians by their best friends in the event of their death. The movie truly illustrated how hard it is to have a baby. I'm not talking just taking care of a baby, I'm talking about the "big picture" of how hard it is to have a CHILD.

The movie showed the funny scenes of how disgusting it is to change a diaper, the baby crying at night, feeding them, etc. However, the movie showed the core of what parents have to give up in order to provide for the child.

Heigl's character have worked hard in her small bistro/bakery and finally was financially able to expand it into a restaurant and was in the process of expanding. Duhamel's character, while a "player", have worked hard in his TV career and finally got an opportunity to take the lead for a game. Duhamel had to deal with unable to fit a sitter for the baby and blew his opportunity to shine. Heigl had to give up expanding her restaurant because she was unable to afford it due to additional cost with the child.

Then it goes on and shows the way a child absolutely changes your life, whether it's better or worse. Duhamel did not have a child ever in his plan and neither did Heigl and they were absolutely miserable albeit, they loved the baby.

Duhamel is given a second opportunity in his career, but required him to move from Atlanta to Phoenix. In the end, he GIVES UP his career in Phoenix and stays in Atlanta with the baby and Heigl and lives the "family" life with all the nosy neighbors. I must ask, is his character TRULY happy? Is Heigl's character TRULY happy? The kid caused them to GIVE UP their wants and career. Fast forward 18 years, these two are resentful that they never pursued what they wanted to in life.

-Emma

To Have or Not To Have A Baby

Babies - is it acceptable to not have them? Now that I'm 26 and married, between my biological clock "ticking" and everyone around me having babies, it has become harder and harder to explain why there are no immediate plans between Miller and me to have babies.

First off, we have Miller Jr who is a wonderful child and I love him like he is my own. I have been in his life as long as he can remember and we have a great relationship. He was 6 months old when I met him, so as far as he knows, I've been in there all his life. I will admit, and I don't care what type of reticule I get, that as much as I love Miller Jr., it is very nice to get a break from him. He lives two states away from us, so when we get him, we have him for long periods of time. We get the experience of having to put him in day care, taking care of him day in and day out, having the frustration of him not listening, etc etc. I get the "fix" of having a child when he's with us and we get our "normal" life when he's home. With that said, I think we really do have it good. I get to have the best of both worlds.

I have always thought I wanted a child. I wanted one because Miller has one who is not biologically mine, that's been a reason for a long time. I also wanted one because "society" said so. As a girl, we grow up dreaming about our wedding day and being a mommy. Heck, I started to figure out a name for my kid since I was a little kid. However, want we dream of as a kid don't generally play out as we become adults. As I am closer to becoming an attorney and working hard to get the work experience I need and seeing all the things I still want to do, I realize, I wanted to have kids for all the wrong reasons.

I don't really find babies all that cute. I find Miller Jr. cute as heck, but I don't find most other kids all that cute. I am mean, I judge how other babies look and I think most of them are ugly and annoying. I cannot stand a kid screaming in the middle of a grocery aisle and I don't find it cute when kids do stupid things.

Miller and I have a great life. Yes, we're in a lot of debt, but we enjoy our lives. We love being able to stay home and just have the peace and quiet and relax. I am able to study and focus on law school. So what would be the reason to have a kid other than to have a kid for the sake of having a kid? I don't particularly think I'll enjoy pregnancy or enjoy the baby when he/she is first born. From the point of 6 months and on, I've experienced it with Miller Jr. It wasn't so cute when he pooped in his underwear when he was potty training...and it's not so cute when he still wets his bed once in a while now.

I have always been career-minded and wanted to make a lot of money. Call me shallow and I'll proudly admit it. I love money. I believe money buys happiness to a certain extent. Kids don't buy happiness. They buy moments of happiness. So, if I'm career-minded and that's what will make me happy...why would I do anything to impede that? I know better, I'm replaceable at work, most people are. If I don't want to be replaced, I need to anchor myself at my job. A child will no doubt get in the way. I'm a female, which means I necessarily have to look like like a hippo for about 9 months then take 2 months off from work, then feel guilty that I can't spend my time nurturing the kid in the first few years of its life.

Another thing that I have always wanted to do is travel, and travel A LOT. Guess what? That cost a lot of money and time. Yes, sure, I can still travel with a child, but it's not the same. I have this conversation with co-workers who have multiple kids all the time and I always get the same response - "oh you'll figure it out! people have kids and work all the time and they manage". Well guess what? I don't wanna just "figure it out" or "manage". I want to do it the right way and I want to it comfortably.

Right about now, I know you're calling me selfish and selfish I am. I see no problem in being selfish. I need to make myself happy before I can try to make someone else happy. Honestly, I don't understand how I'm selfish. Am I selfish because I'm not fulfilling society's expectations of me to have kids? Why is the society allowed to dictate that anyway?

I truly believe most parents regret their kids. Not that they don't love them, but they do regret their kids. I finally got Miller to admit that while he loves loves loves loves loves Miller Jr. and will do anything and everything for him and will never ever change the fact that he had Miller Jr., Miller Jr. has changed his life.

Society's norm is for people to have kids and it is "unnatural" for people to not have kids. Most people look at me and Miller and cannot fathom why we don't. I can give them my laundry list of fake excuses such as debt, time, school, work, etc but they'll just give me the lame rebuttal that people have kids who are worse off than me.

Ultimately, I think personally, I want kids. I do. I really do. I have a maternal thing about me cuz when I met Miller Jr., I knew exactly what to do even though I haven't been around kids a lot. However, I think I'll truly be able to 100% be on board when I'm older and be able to do all the things I want to do first.

-Emma