Difficulty in Letting Go

It's been 3 years since my last communication with my parents and roughly 1.5 years since I spoke to my sister.  I have no desire to reconnect with my parents, however I do have a soft spot for my sister.

I'm 9 almost 10 years older than my sister.  I remember taking care of my sister when I was a kid and I felt that I was always more nurturing to her than my parents were to her...up until I left for college when I was 16.   When my parents both worked, my dad insisted that I take my sister to the middle of the city to meet for lunch.  Mind you, this is when I was still living in Hong Kong and my sister was under 4 years old at the time and I was under 13 years old.  I had to carry a toddler, travel on city buses and/or the MTR for sake of meeting my parents for lunch with my sister.

My sister and I were really close when she was little, but that changed when I left for college.  I had a lot of issues that I was dealing with myself when I was away.  I had a difficult time dealing with and adjusting to living on my own at a completely new city and knowing no one, on top of that I was freaking 16!! Not to mention, if you've read any of my previous blogs, my parents did not prepare me to be an adult whatsoever.  So while I was going through transitions and challenges in my own life, my relationship with my sister inadvertently suffered.

It also became harder to keep a close relationship with my sister because we're so far apart in age and when I left for college, she was only like 5 or 6.  So it's not like when I was having issues I could call up and talk to my sister.  My life was all over the place and my sister was not a priority unfortunately.

With that said, my mother did what she did best and became my sister's "best friend" and "hero" (literally!)   My mom enabled my sister to rely on her for everything while somehow managing to let my sister think that it was up to my sister's prerogative to do whatever she wants to do.  Genius if you ask me.  My mom did that with me too, but I was just so unlike her in so many ways that it didn't really work on me. My mom never gave me curfews or rules, encouraged me to bring friends home from school (even though I hated high school).  She was the "cute" little Asian woman that spoke English with an accent that is just oh-so-harmless.

My sister SLEPT with my parents in the same bed till she was 13 or 14.  Hell, even I slept in the same room as my parents till I was 11 or 12 and my parents encouraged it.  I was scared, and still is, scared of the dark so I opted to sleep on the floor of my parents' bedroom than my own room.  As I became an adult and met Miller and started to slowly realize the evilness of my mom without actually knowing that I'm realizing it, I got in more arguments with my mom about the way she enabled my sister.  If you were in my sister's shoes, you'd pick an enabling parent over a sister who tells you that you need to handle your own shit, so my sister few even further apart from me.  I remember when Miller and I would visit my parents and stay the night, the guest bathroom, which was also my sister's own bathroom, was DISGUSTING.  I mean, mildew all over the place, old shampoo bottles, tub that has never been cleaned filthy!!  I told my mother that she needs to make my sister clean her own bathroom because that should be her responsibility, but the response I got from my mom was "oh, she's young, I don't want to force her to do anything."

Fine, to each his own, she can raise her child however she wants, I don't exactly have the right to tell her how to raise my sister.  As I grew apart from my parents, that continued to affect my relationship with my sister.  When I finally stopped talking to my parents, I still maintained occasional phone calls and Facebooking with my sister.  I mean, our conversations were never genuine.  I can never really tell her what I think because I know mom will be there to say whatever it is that she'll say.  I had a cordial relationship with my sister, because I love her.

That all changed when my mother and my uncle and aunts had a blow out over my grandma.  It's rather a long story, but basically my sister was encouraged by my mother to write hateful emails to my uncle and aunts about my grandma.  At which time, I was making an effort to bond more with my uncle and aunts, to which I'm sure it was viewed by my sister and mom that I was taking the "other" side.  So it came down to my grandma having brain surgery.  I went to visit her in San Jose and thereafter Miller and I also spent some time in San Jose doing other things.  Apparently, according to my sister, I failed because I did not take pictures with my post-brain surgery grandma, but instead I took pictures doing other stuff and posted it on Facebook.  My sister cussed me out on Facebook, defriended, and blocked me.  That was the end of the impending doom of the fragile relationship I had with her.

Fast forward to now, she graduated high school.  Good for her.  Good for her that she also received a full scholarship to an Ivy League school as well.  Why do I know all this? Aside from I do have stalkerish tendencies, my mother began dragging me back into their world via email about all of this.  I know it is my fault to let her do that, but as I've said, I love my sister and have a soft spot for her.  As I became more entranced about my sister's new endeavor, I became somewhat cuckoo.  For one, I know my mother had something to do with it.  How do I know you ask? Well, you won't believe me anyway because whatever I have to say in the following paragraphs will make my sound crazy and jealous, but I'll tell you anyway.

My sister was never that great at school.  I was always the one encouraging my sister to do extra-curricular activities if she wants to go to a good college and forewarned her that if she truly wants to go to an Ivy League school, she has to begin her path beginning of high school.  My mom always told me not to push her too hard.  My sister had no clue her school schedule, didn't stand up to her teachers when she felt wronged.  I don't know if my sister knows this, but my mother badgered her teachers via email about the "unjust" treatment my sister received.  My mom had at some instances escalated matters to the principal and the school district.  I know this because I was involved in my mom's crazy ass drama at the time.  So, I don't believe that she got the good grades on her own or what it takes to not only get in an Ivy League school, but receive a full scholarship.  Something isn't adding up, just like everything else in my parents' world in my entire fucking life.

However, I realize my curiosity about how my sister managed to get a full scholarship to an Ivy League school was what my mom had wanted, dragging me emotionally back into their crazy world.   I am angry that I feel that my sister never had a chance to find out for herself what she wants to do with her life, but hey, she thinks she has.  She feels that my mom is the most supportive person ever and never told her what to do (genius of my mom's grand scheme) and what she's accomplish so far was solely accomplished because she wanted to with my parent's love and support.  Puke.

I think my sister is living a total sham of a life, but at the end of the day, if she never knows about the sham and does feel that she lived a fulfilled life, who am I to judge? Good for her.  I need to accept that reality.  If she is happy living in the sham life my mom created for her and never ever realizing that her life had been fake, then let her be happy and I need to let go.  She and I will never have the relationship we once had when she was little or the relationship I wish I had with her.  That ship has long sailed.  There is nothing I can do to stop the train of my mom's manipulation over my sister.  It's a scary thought as to what might happen to my sister with my mom by her side.  Hell, she might become the first president who is of Asian decent, a woman, and not born in the US!!

I wish my sister happiness and nothing less.  I don't know if I ever want her to come to the realization about my mom as I did because her life depends on that and she would be crushed if she ever have to realize that.  She and my mom are a lot closer and my sister really regards my mom as her hero.  She will be happier with me out of the picture and her living the life she's lived for the last 18 years and continue to live that sort of life.  The realization is a hard one to swallow and even I struggle with it at times.  So, good luck to my sister and may our paths never cross again (considering she will be 3000 miles away).

-Emma