Death at a Funeral

The time is finally here...  The time that had been looming for about a year since my Grandma had her brain surgery.  Her time is finally here and she has passed on to be with my Grandpa.  I miss my feisty Grandma and her har gows and soups that she used to make, but I am happy at the same time because I know my Grandma was suffering and she had not really lived for about a year prior to her passing on. My Grandma died in her sleep peacefully after months of dialysis.  She is definitely in a better place.

I don’t really know how I am supposed to feel because my Grandma is the first person in my life who I consider being close with to pass on.  When my maternal Grandpa died, I was only 6 years old and really didn’t know him that well.  When my paternal Grandpa died, I was I think 12 years old or so, but my Grandpa has a lot of kids and grandkids that I really didn’t know him. 

I am not one to solicit comments from others. In fact, I feel weird hearing people say things like “I’m sorry for your loss” or “my condolences” because I honestly don’t think the words mean anything nor do I think the person saying it or typing it on Facebook really means anything with it.   Also, saying it to me doesn’t mean or do anything for myself either.  I don’t feel “sad” or the need to wallow in my Grandma’s death.  Life goes on and we have to continue living our lives while keeping the dead in our memory.

So, before I move on to the next part of my blog here – I assure you, I’m fine and no need to tell me that you’re sorry.

The dreaded funeral.  I knew this day was going to come at some point and I have been dreading it for a long time.  Not only because it means that my grandma has passed on (like I said, she hadn’t been “her” for quite some time), but because I will have to for the last time in my life (I hope) to ever have to see my parents again. 

The funeral is now set for November 5, which means I have three weeks to prepare myself.  And had Miller not mentioned it to me, what the heck am I going to say to them if they try to talk to me?! I had not thought about that.  I just figured I’d sit as far as humanly possible from them. 

I truly hate myself for allowing my parents to become the center of my issue rather than focusing on my grandma’s death.  However, my parents caused a lot of grief, not just with me, but with the rest of the family during my grandma’s last year of life. 


It is at times like these that family members will gather and it is also times like these that stirs up any underlying family issues.  With my particular family - it is any and all drama that involves my parents.  

I am going to try to just ignore them and I’ve decided if they talk to me, I’ll simply tell them to leave me alone and I have no desire to talk to them or reconcile with them. 

-Emma

Accidents

I guess I am still stuck on the children topic.  I blame it on Grey's Anatomy's nonstop baby talk.  There is Cristina Yang who would loathe her life if she had children, yet got pregnant by accident. There is Meredith Grey who is infertile and finally adopted a kid with Derek Shepard, but just as they were granted custody, trouble arises at work and between them and their kid ends up being taken back by child services.

I'm stuck between Cristina and Meredith.  I have always been a very driven person, I mean as far as I remember, I have always been ambitious (at least I think I am).  However, I am not at the level Cristina is...she wants to be the world's #1 surgeon and kick ass, etc etc.  I just want to be successful, live well, have lots of money, etc etc. On the same token, I love being a mom and I am one of those typical girls who dreamed about being a mom and have come up with names for my future kid.

Our lives are great.  I get my kid-fix with Miller Jr. and when he leaves, I equally love our kid-free life.  Miller Jr. has a special spot in my heart, but I am not ashamed to admit that I love life without kids as well.  I loathe people, namely women, who allow their child to define their lives.  I absolutely think they are pathetic and will live an absolutely miserable life when their kids grow up.  People who proclaim "love thy family" or "family is the most important" -- they just make me feel sick.  Sure, I have had crappy family relationships with my own parents, maybe you'll say I'm jaded, but I do think people who live and die by their family are pathetic.  Have self-esteem in yourself and don't let your family define you.  Define yourself and CHOOSE to have your family in your life.

I have an absolutely wonderful family - my husband and my son Miller Jr.  I adore my family, so I do love my family but they don't "define" me.  I choose to have them in my life.

Moreover, I also know that people hate their lives with kids in them.  They will never admit it because it sounds so terrible, but I'm honest with myself.  I know I'll feel resentment towards a child if I have to sacrifice myself.  And to people who say that the sacrifice is worth it, well those people ought to re-evaluate their lives because one should not sacrifice one's wants and needs to make another happy [please read Atlas Shrugged for full explanation].

I want to have a kid and not feel that I am sacrificing anything. I do understand that having a kid necessarily means I would have to give up certain things about my life.  However here's the difference, let me see if I can illustrate them for ya.

• I want to want to buy my kids things and do things for my kids.  I don't want to want to buy my kids things because that's what I am supposed to do and feel bad not buying them things.  
• I want to want to not buy myself X so that I can buy my kid Y.  I don't want to want to buy myself X but can't because I want to by my kid Y.  

Of course, it's not all about buying your kids things, but it's an easy straightforward example.  Truth be told, this can be easily applied to doing day-to-day things.  For example:

• I want to want to not go to Michael Mina's for the lobster pot pie because I want to participate in my kid's cub scout.  I don't want to want to participate in my kid's cub scout and regret that I could have gone to Michael Mina's because society says that's just the "sacrifice" I shall make.  That's a load of crap.  

With that said, I want a kid.  I really do, I think.  I never ever ever ever want to at any moment to ever resent my kid and that's why I put THIS much thought into it.  I do not want to resent him/her ever or for anything.  I almost wish I would have just had a kid by accident, just like many people.  I feel that I put way too much thought in it and hey, people say that all the time.  Having a kid is the biggest decision that people don't think about.  I swear.  People just willy nilly dispense advise saying "oh, you'll figure it out! just have one!".  Really?  Really? that's what people think? You're going to have a HUMAN LIFE to take care of and the plan is just to "figure it out"?!

I almost envy people who just get pregnant by accident.  They don't think.  It happens. They do whatever they're supposed to do and it's completely normal.  People fault people like me who are seemingly too selfish about my own happiness to not have a kid.  People who just pop a kid out are the greatest people ever. I just get so tired of hearing about people who had a kid unplanned or had a kid without really thinking about the ramifications and then realizing how hard it is to have a kid.  You know who I am talking about.  That promiscuous 18-year-old who  gets knocked up by her boyfriend, ends up a single mom, then have to work super hard doing whatever jobs that comes across to support her kid.  Don't get me wrong, that's commendable in the sense that she f-ed up and now she's taking responsibility.  It just irks me that that girl also all of a sudden becomes a hero and the world's greatest mom.  Contrasted with someone like me, plan and plan and plan to make sure that when my kid is here, I'm not living a crappy life just to make ends meet.  People who have kids with the notion that they'll "figure it out" is just ASS BACKWARDS.

I do understand you can't plan everything in life and I hate super planners because they have no flexibility when adverse situations arise and they have zero capabilities of handling it.  However, once you have a kid, you have a kid forever.  It's not like you got fired and you can learn from your mistake and never do whatever it is that you did again in your next job.  Once you have a kid (for most people), there is no going back.

Damn Grey's Anatomy and all of their baby talk!

Till next time!
-Emma